My Christianity

I mention Christianity in one of my earlier blogs, but where am I now? I actually am in a completely different place spiritually now. My spirituality has evolved much since I was sixteen, as it should if one is to expand their mind. When I was sixteen I was new to the whole Bible thing, like I had never seen it in my life. I finished reading it through the first year I had it and continued to study. The Bible was fascinating to me. You would be surprised how much one can relate to it. I started writing my own studies in a notebook. Every conversation I had was seasoned with those words; that's how much I loved them. I joined a church when I moved in with my mother. I was a very active participant. I was in plays, sang in a band and helped in any way I could around the church. I joined the Christian Club and by my senior year was the President.

Everything sounds all good and well, but I was lacking balance in my life. I created many rules for myself that God didn't even make up. I became a slave to many rules. I wouldn't go out with friends. Every morning I wouldn't allow myself out in the world until I prayed for people in my notebook and recited the longest prayer I could think of. I would do all this on my knees. When I started sharing a room with my brother, I would do it on the bathroom tile floor until my knees became sore. I was a crazy Christian. I did very extreme things, but I was doing what I was taught from the church I was attending. I was still young and very impressionable. I wasn't like most kids out having fun. I was in my room studying all day long. I watched the music I listened to and never spoke of sex. I became judgmental of others who didn't hold themselves to these standards. I became critical and condemned others for their behaviors.

Although I was doing what every Christian said you "should" be doing, I wasn't even close to the real Christianity. My senior year I took a strong turn to the left. I was still teaching in Christian Club, but I wasn't as devoted. I met this guy who became my first boyfriend. He was bad news. He did everything a Christian shouldn't do, but I hung out with him anyways. I saw his heart, not his actions. I was judged by many in the Christian community for dating such as "sinner". I started realizing there was something wrong with the path I was on. The Christians I were around condemned and judged others. There was no love.

One afternoon I was reading my Bible. I was reading about the Pharisees mentioned in the New Testament. The Pharisees were the religious leaders of the time. They subjected the Jews to many rules that they had to follow or be condemned. They focused on the outer appearance, but their hearts were far from the Lord. They were said to be like white-washed tombs with dead bones inside. Right when I read that I knew that was me. I was a modern day Pharisee bestowing judgement on others and separating myself as though I was better. That day everything changed. I needed to find balance and I obviously wasn't finding it at that church. I slowly quit going and retreated from teaching the Bible. Who am I that I should teach? I was nothing like Jesus, the great teacher.

The first thing I needed to discover was who was Jesus really. Was he a judgmental man? Did he condemn like the Christians I knew did? It took years, but I think I finally found out who He really is and it's not what I expected. God is love and all he asks is for us to love one another. That is it. If we could love one another there would be no need for laws and rules. Yes, I am a sinner, but Jesus Christ didn't die for me on the cross, so that I could beat myself up about every mistake. Actually, I'm sure he has freed me from such a burden, especially since I am a perfectionist. Jesus was seen with the "sinners" of his day and he befriended and loved who we think are unlovable and he was judged for it by the Pharisees. See, I think it is backwards. Jesus was judged, but didn't judge. Jesus wasn't loved, but he did love. He did the opposite of the cultural norms of his time. He forgave murders and told them they would enter the Kingdom of God because of their faith and love. He freed an adulterous wife from being stoned by the community.

If there is one thing I have learned it is this: If you condemn, you have not forgiven. If you judge, you have not loved nor do you see your very own faults. No one is better than another. All sin is equal. If we have not love how can we begin to know Christ or even call one a Christian. I do not call myself a Christian to this day because that would mean I am Christ-like, but I am not even close. I profess to follow the God of love. I know if I focus on loving others that I will accept others and that is exactly what Jesus did, accepted others.

So, my view may not be traditional, but it is what I have learned on my own path. I am not a regular church attender and I do not pray on my knees for hours like I used to. I still hold the words of the Bible close to my heart; I just live them out a little differently.