God Bless The Broken Road

The first time I ever fell in love was when I was fifteen years old. When I was that young, falling in love was my world. I was a sucker for it. When I started living with my mother I didn't have many friends. Kind of had to start over in that department. I started spending a lot of time on the computer meeting people in chat rooms just so I had people to talk to. At that time, I was picky about boyfriends if I was going to have one. I was very intrigued by guys who read the Bible at the time. A guy messaged me and was very friendly, not like the other creepy guys online. We started talking about the Bible. He knew a lot, so I enjoyed talking to him. We decided to exchange numbers and talk the next day.

Once we started talking, we rarely stopped. My mother would hear me giggling on the phone all night long. This was exactly what I needed at the time. I was in a new town without any friends. My dad and brother weren't talking to me. I needed someone to love and to look forward to. We talked all the time and eventually called each other boyfriend and girlfriend. I fell in love with him...or what I thought was love at the time. He had his own life in Georgia and I was starting over with mine. As time went on we decided we wanted to meet. I was sixteen and he was seventeen. He bought a ticket to California and I begged my mother to let him come. She thought he was a good kid, so it didn't take much convincing. I still am in shock though when I look back. I can't believe she let him come...haha.

We picked him up at LAX. I had never met him in person before. I was trilled like any sixteen year old girl would be. While he was visiting I was baptized for the first time. Our relationship continued to blossom. A few months later I went to his family reunion in Myrtle Beach. Everything seemed to be going great to me. When I went home we continued our over the phone relationship. But things began to change over time. He was always super busy and I was high maintenance. He would meet new people all the time and I was very skeptical, which proved to be right. He told me about this older woman he met and that he was "helping" her because she was having a difficult time in her life. Note to men: Do not become emotionally entangled with another woman other than your own. It is a breeding ground for many things that could lead to a wandering eye.

One day we were talking like sixteen year olds do who are naive about love. I had a feeling something was up and he reassured me that we were fine. A couple days later he asked for a break because he wasn't sure what he wanted. I felt it coming, but boy was my little heart crushed. I had never experienced such heartbreak. He quit talking to me all together and ignored me. He ignored my calls, my messages and my emails. I had to let him go but I couldn't. This whole thing only lasted about seven months but it really affected me. Maybe because I had lost so much family and didn't have any girl friends. All I really had was my mom, but I couldn't talk to her about my heartbreak because she saw it all over me. I became very reserved. I would stay in my room, read and cry. I quit talking as much and didn't laugh for months. I even quit wearing makeup and cute clothes because I didn't want any attention from guys. They sickened me at the time, especially after what I found out about the one who broke my heart. He had gotten involved with a married older woman. No one is perfect, but damn it hurt.

I really think I took it way too hard but at that age it was devastating. I would pray and pray and pray for us to end up together. I thought he was who I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with. I believed this so much that I waited for him for two years until I started dating again. He continued on with his life and dated new girls. Each time he told me about a new girl I felt a sting. I would just wait for that relationship to end. I felt we would eventually get back together. Boy, was I strung along. Now, it makes me laugh that I could possibly know that at the age of sixteen that he was my soul mate. I held on to him for almost five years. I dated other guys a few years later after we broke up, but I always thought I would end up back with him. As time went by my heart started to change and I started to realize many things about him. He's a great guy, but not a great guy for me. My desire for what I wanted in my husband began to change. We kept in touch off and on. Some years later we ended up talking more again. He did end up talking about "us" again but by then my heart had completely changed and I was a different person. At first I tried to tell myself that I was finally getting what I wanted, but it wasn't anymore what I wanted. I had grown up and my heart was pulling me down a new path.

I finally buried the idea of being with him before I met my now husband.  The man I prayed to have for years left my heart and I was totally fine with that. In fact, it made room for something so wonderful: my husband and baby girl. The love I found with my husband is far greater than any love I have known from a man. He was worth the wait. I have a life I never planned to have. Sometimes if you just throw out the dice and let them land as they will, you might be surprised at what you get. The heartbreak that I went through caused me to care for my heart more. I was careful about who to intrust it with. I wasn't going to just give it away to anyone anymore. I was going to be picky. I would pray, wait and seek for the one I always knew that was out there for me, my soul mate. So, at the end of the day I am glad for many unanswered prayers. Because If I had gotten what I wanted when I was sixteen, I would've never met my husband.

Divorce Through A Child's Eye

Divorce can be a controversial issue, but it is something I am passionate about. I know every divorced person has their reasons for getting divorced, but if people knew how it affected their children, would they have tried all other options first? I do feel a few a things are unacceptable such as unfaithfulness and abuse.

My parents divorced around when I was age five. My parents had to go to court to find out who would keep us full time. We were with my father most of the time and had visitation rights with my mother. The battles in court continued for many years costing my parents thousands of dollars.We saw her every other weekend and longer for the summer and holidays. Each parent also despises the other, so it was difficult for them to agree on anything. It really shatters a child's world when we realize that our parents who used to always be together have fallen out of love and want nothing to do with each other. All you want for your simple childhood is for your parents to get back together.

Over the years I watched my dad date women until he found his next wife. My mother ended up marrying a man friend because her attorney told them them they would have a better chance of getting custody if she looked like she had a stable home. That locked her up in chains again because she married someone she really didn't want to spend the rest of her life with. I personally didn't like him at all. First off, he favored my younger brother and second, he made fun of me and would make me cry while my mom would work. His son ended up molesting me before the age of eight. I was so young I am a little fuzzy on the age. He was much older. Leia is not allowed to be alone with other men now while she is a child. I was afraid to tell anyone because I thought it was my fault. I eventually told my mother when I was seventeen.

Through out my dad's new marriage they would fight. Some days before I went to school, Poison, who I thought was good at the time, would tell me her and my dad were getting a divorce. So I would walk around school pitying myself and saddened, but they never divorced. I would go home and it would be like nothing happened. Talk about confusing.
My mother eventually divorced the man friend she married for good cause. Details I won't get into unless she desires. She did have good reason for leaving my father too because it was a physically and emotionally abusive relationship. But it was still heartbreaking when she left.

Even though I understand divorce can be necessary at times, I still hate it. I never want that word uttered in my married unless of adultery. I feel personally as long as both people are willing, there are other options because I do not want a broken home for my baby girl. It is important that she has both parents in her life. She is our number one priority. If I ever had to share her or only see her every week it would break me into pieces. I am not even sure I would survive such heartbreak. I want Leia to have a stable home and not have step parents who want them to call them mom and dad.
With all this being said, I know good things can come out of divorce. My experience as a child with it though was very bad and I do not want to repeat any of it. I honor marriages who stick through everything together, like Loy and Gloria Lowry. They are my husband's grandparents and we are going to be celebrating their 60th Wedding Anniversary. Now I am sure they have had many hard days and many good days.

I think our culture takes marriage too lightly these days. We say vows that we mean at the time and we should do everything we can to keep those promises to one another:

 "... to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part."

Sometimes what I think people really think is while its good we will be married, but that is not what we promised. We promise to be there even when things are at it's worst. It doesn't say that it will be easy, but what good thing ever is?  For those without children, divorce seems like a more complicated and costly breakup. For those with children, I urge you to think twice about how it may or may not affect your child. You are their world and the example they will follow.

Love and Acceptance

I have been thinking a lot about yesterday's post. I don't see myself the same as I used to and I realized many things. When I was growing up I thought many negative things about myself. I am not even sure why. I could try to blame Poison or the kids at school for making fun of me, but I am not sure that is the reason. I thought I was very ugly and worthless. Where did I get this view of myself? Where ever I got it, it stuck with me for years. But as I look back at my old photos I realized that it really wasn't as bad as I took it. I could have not let the haircuts bring me down because I really didn't look that bad. I still had many friends who cared about me. I love you Kari Worthington! You were a great friend and supporter through some of my hardest years and you always encouraged me. You were my angel. I look back now and I do not see an ugly little girl like I used to. It makes me emotional to realize this because everyday I put myself down in my thoughts and actions. By doing this to myself I caused others to treat me that way too.

Today I feel free! More free than ever! I wish I knew of my inner beauty all along. I wish this for every young girl and woman. To love oneself is what makes us beautiful. I had not love, therefore I couldn't love myself for who I was. Now I have love overflowing out of my heart and I love myself more than ever. Not that I think I am awesome or great, but I truly accept myself. I see many girls now who do not love themselves and their life becomes a product of that belief. We are all beautiful. We just look different and unique from one another. If you think someone is ugly that's just your opinion because someone out there thinks that person is beautiful. This new love I have found has allowed me to want to show others true love and friendship. It is what we all need after all. If we cannot love and accept ourselves how can we love others and accept them? Today I start anew. I know that people did and said horrible things to me in my past, but it no longer has hold over me. I will not hold it against them either because the real battle is within themselves.

The Ugly Duckling

One of my biggest challenges as a child was overcoming my looks. I was teased almost my entire childhood until I started getting into my later high school years. As a child I was extremely thin and couldn't fill out my body. I was called "that Ethiopian chick". I had such a difficult time gaining weight that Poison (stepmom) tried to fatten me up by making me drink Ensure after each full course meal. She would make me eat so much that I would puke up my Ensure drink afterwards. It was disgusting. To this day, meal replacements and protein shakes are difficult to drink.

I also inherited some huge crooked teeth which earned me the name "beaver", "bucktooth", "rabbit", etc. My father even called me his ugly ducking. It sounds enduring and insulting at the same time. When I was in sixth grade I got braces on until freshman year of high school. My teeth came out so straight! I was so proud, until junior year when my teeth started turning inward again. I went to see another orthodontist who said I had too many teeth. They had four teeth in the front of my mouth removed. I went to church that night with gauze in my open spaces. I had to have braces put back on again until my freshman year of college.

When I was a young child I woke up one morning to my left eye crossed inward. That day my vision was very blurry. I didn't know what caused it, but when my dad picked me up from my mom he was very upset and thought she let something happen to me. My father started taking me to many eye appointments trying to figure out what had caused my eye to cross inward and how to fix it. They tried many things like giving me glasses, even though I saw perfectly fine. I had 20/20 vision at the time. They tried making me wear patches over my right eye to make the left stronger. I was made fun of often for my crossed eye, but I tried to make humor out of it. I could do a trick with it where I could straighten the left eye and cross the right one for a minute to make it jump back and forth. It would stun the other children. We finally found a specialist in Loma Linda who said I had strabismus. My first surgery was scheduled. After the healing took place I couldn't wait to open both eyes and see how they looked! My eyes had been crossed for quite a few years. I was so excited! They looked amazing! The kids at school even started treating me different. The muscle was still weak in my left eye so I needed a follow up surgery when I was fourteen.

As I got older I started gaining more weight and filling up a little more. Now I'm real nice and plump after having a baby...haha. My teeth were straightened out and my eyes were fixed as well. I sure had a heck of a time with my looks growing up. I don't tell these stories for people to feel sorry for me. I tell them so one can see where I have come from and know that anything is possible. I was made fun of so much that it has taken time to regain my self-esteem. Sometimes I am even surprised by the handsome man I married. A guy like him would've never looked at me twice as a child. People didn't see my soul. They saw my looks. Boys didn't even want to sit next to me on the bus to school. It is difficult not to judge others based on what we see, but I will now make a special effort to see the souls of others because our looks can change and they do not reflect our true beauty.

Beauty From Ashes

Sometimes all I can think to write about is pain from my past because I'm still trying to understand it. I don't pity myself nor need any, but I do like to face my feelings head on. I am not afraid of them. There is much healing that comes from facing buried feelings.

I wonder why in times most needed, our family can be absent. When I was a child, I expected someone to be my advocate and bring to justice the wrong, but no one did. In an earlier blog I speak about running away from my home and eventually ending up with my mother that I was absent from for six years. When I chose my mom, my father's side seemed to have shunned me. I assume because they didn't want to get on my father's bad side. By them putting up blinders like a horse, my mistreatment continued in secret. It wasn't just me either. My brother suffered much as well, but he suffered more physical abuse. I only got that once in a while. I guess I think if someone would've said something maybe the abuse might have ended. But on the other hand, it could have infuriated my father more. I would try calling these family members and get hung up on. They would never return my phone calls. It took eight years for them to even start talking to me again and when they did I was shocked. My relationship suffers with all of them because of this distance.When I was absent from my mother's side I also became distanced from that side as well. When I finally came back into the picture with them it was hard to pick up where we were when I was nine years old. So much had changed and it was like I had to get to know my own family all over again.

Poison (stepmother) was able even to turn my younger brother against me for a while. When I ran away from home I left my brother. I didn't really think that part through. I should've found a way to free us both because when I left, all the punishments and attention were then focused on him. From his testimony everything was great at first when I left. They let him do many things he wasn't allowed to do before and he was spoiled. But Poison did the same thing to me as she did to my mom: turned my brother against me. Every time I would call to try and talk to him, she was listening so he would put on a show to not get in trouble with her. He would tell me never to call again and how I am not his sister anymore. This hurt, but I knew it wasn't him so I never held it against him. He was my bestfriend growing up. We were always together and endured all things together. This separation lasted for two years when I was in high school.

One day during my junior year, he called me while I was at church. I couldn't believe he was talking to me. He said he never meant any of those things and asked to see me. My mother and I picked him up and he stayed for a weekend. I couldn't believe we were reunited, but it was too good to be true. When he went back home he was forbidden to speak to us.

Little did I know the things that were going on behind closed doors. Poison would make my brother stay in his room away from her. He would sneak out to find food at a friend's. His homework was suffering and he was becoming depressed because of his home life. That is why he started seeking my mom and I out. One day my mom and I were visiting Azusa Pacific University. I was getting ready to apply for colleges. My mom received a call from my brother from the high school. He said that my dad had to told him to have his mother come and pick him up. Earlier that day at school, he tried to reach out to a school counselor about his home life. The cops were called based on the accusations he had made, but when they got there they said they could do nothing for him. My father was very well known and no one in the community would touch him or his family with a ten foot pole. The police had visited our house and schools many times over the years. My friends from school even called the cops about the abuse we suffered. We were scared each time though because we would get punished for people knowing the truth. That day after the cops came to the school, the principal called my father to let him know the accusations made and that he needed to pick up his son. That is when he told my brother that his mother could come get him. We drove from Azusa to Big Bear High School and picked him up. There was no warning so he had no personal items. We didn't even have an extra bedroom or bed. That night he slept next to me on an inflatable mattress on the floor and he cried. He left everything he knew and was afraid for the future. He left my dad, whom he loves very much and looks up to, regardless of his questionable actions. My heart broke for him. He would need to get used to a whole new life away from the one he knew.  My brother started going to school with me. Eventually he made many friends like always. My mother's fiance, who is an incredible, amazing and supportive man, got us bunk beds and we shared a room until I left for college. He eventually graduated, went to college for a few years and joined the Army.

In the midst of all this I wonder if anything could have prevented such brokenness. I wonder if family members could've spoken to my father and convinced him of the wrongdoing going on. Now whenever I see anyone mistreated or physically or emotionally abused I cannot keep my tongue silent. But this can get me into trouble as well because I get into people's business trying to protect someone. At the end of the day I can blame no one but Poison. Someone wronged her long ago. Something must have happened to her to cause her to poison every living thing around her. Everything she touches suffers. Part of me wishes that some of my family members could've been advocates for me and my brother, but everything happened the way it was supposed to. Some times very bad things can be turned into very good things and beauty can rise from ashes. 

  If my readers are willing to comment I would appreciate your opinion. Do you think family members should stand up for the children in the family if they are being mistreated?
 

Decisions, Decisions

As some of you know from my earlier blogs, we live in a very old motor home, like 1985 old. I wasn't even born yet old. At the time we got it our budget was $5,000, so that's what we bought our rig for. We were told everything worked on it, except for a few small minor things. That turned out to be very wrong. Turns out  all major appliances were broken, including the refrigerator, air-conditioning, heater, and water heater. The toilet had to be replaced eventually as well. Thankfully my husband is like a swiss army knife that can do just about anything. I can't even comprehend fixing anything, let alone something electrical. The couches are pretty beat up with tears and the floors are impossible to clean, even though I try. Even the outside of the RV is warped from age and sundamage.The back of the rig is so low that many times it scrapes the roads if they aren't level. When we went up to Julian our GPS got messed up and took us straight into town with our 36 ft beast. I was pulled over by the cop and asked not to damage his roads anymore.

With all that being said I still love our rig. We have made it into a functional home that we have been able to take from Oceanside to San Diego to Julian to Ocotillo to Arizona. We have been considering upgrading our rig, but the price has to be right. Part of the reason we want to live in an RV is to have the least amount of bills possible and allow for time to heal our credit scores. I have over $30,000 in school loan debt and my husband has an old boat reposition from when his paychecks started being garnished. Everything is ideal about living in an RV for us, unless we manage to pop out a few more kids. We eventually might want a house when our credit is looking better. But for now an RV is perfect.

Yesterday we actually went and checked out some newer used motorhomes. We fell in love with one! The price is amazing! We would only be financing it for $13,000 and the payment would be around $400 per month, which is perfect for us. If times ever get rough we can just go stay in the desert for free again...haha. It is shorter, but much more spacious. It has tons of storage on the outside, which we definitely need. It has one slideout. The kitchen is awesome! Everything is going to be more awesome when you are going from a 1985 RV to a 1999. Everything works on it and it has a large closet, which is all I care about. I even mapped out a play and sleep area for Leia that is perfect. We would also be able to go from a full size bed to queen and with Leia snuggling with us, we are definitely going to need it. It also even comes with...wait for it...a bathtub! We would be going from a shower that I can barely shave in to a shower/bathtub! I'm so excited thinking about upgrading our home. We might even be able to travel more around the USA since everything would be working.

So, we signed all the paperwork and sent it over to the bank. Now we wait and cross our fingers.


The pictures below are of the rig we have right now

My Christianity

I mention Christianity in one of my earlier blogs, but where am I now? I actually am in a completely different place spiritually now. My spirituality has evolved much since I was sixteen, as it should if one is to expand their mind. When I was sixteen I was new to the whole Bible thing, like I had never seen it in my life. I finished reading it through the first year I had it and continued to study. The Bible was fascinating to me. You would be surprised how much one can relate to it. I started writing my own studies in a notebook. Every conversation I had was seasoned with those words; that's how much I loved them. I joined a church when I moved in with my mother. I was a very active participant. I was in plays, sang in a band and helped in any way I could around the church. I joined the Christian Club and by my senior year was the President.

Everything sounds all good and well, but I was lacking balance in my life. I created many rules for myself that God didn't even make up. I became a slave to many rules. I wouldn't go out with friends. Every morning I wouldn't allow myself out in the world until I prayed for people in my notebook and recited the longest prayer I could think of. I would do all this on my knees. When I started sharing a room with my brother, I would do it on the bathroom tile floor until my knees became sore. I was a crazy Christian. I did very extreme things, but I was doing what I was taught from the church I was attending. I was still young and very impressionable. I wasn't like most kids out having fun. I was in my room studying all day long. I watched the music I listened to and never spoke of sex. I became judgmental of others who didn't hold themselves to these standards. I became critical and condemned others for their behaviors.

Although I was doing what every Christian said you "should" be doing, I wasn't even close to the real Christianity. My senior year I took a strong turn to the left. I was still teaching in Christian Club, but I wasn't as devoted. I met this guy who became my first boyfriend. He was bad news. He did everything a Christian shouldn't do, but I hung out with him anyways. I saw his heart, not his actions. I was judged by many in the Christian community for dating such as "sinner". I started realizing there was something wrong with the path I was on. The Christians I were around condemned and judged others. There was no love.

One afternoon I was reading my Bible. I was reading about the Pharisees mentioned in the New Testament. The Pharisees were the religious leaders of the time. They subjected the Jews to many rules that they had to follow or be condemned. They focused on the outer appearance, but their hearts were far from the Lord. They were said to be like white-washed tombs with dead bones inside. Right when I read that I knew that was me. I was a modern day Pharisee bestowing judgement on others and separating myself as though I was better. That day everything changed. I needed to find balance and I obviously wasn't finding it at that church. I slowly quit going and retreated from teaching the Bible. Who am I that I should teach? I was nothing like Jesus, the great teacher.

The first thing I needed to discover was who was Jesus really. Was he a judgmental man? Did he condemn like the Christians I knew did? It took years, but I think I finally found out who He really is and it's not what I expected. God is love and all he asks is for us to love one another. That is it. If we could love one another there would be no need for laws and rules. Yes, I am a sinner, but Jesus Christ didn't die for me on the cross, so that I could beat myself up about every mistake. Actually, I'm sure he has freed me from such a burden, especially since I am a perfectionist. Jesus was seen with the "sinners" of his day and he befriended and loved who we think are unlovable and he was judged for it by the Pharisees. See, I think it is backwards. Jesus was judged, but didn't judge. Jesus wasn't loved, but he did love. He did the opposite of the cultural norms of his time. He forgave murders and told them they would enter the Kingdom of God because of their faith and love. He freed an adulterous wife from being stoned by the community.

If there is one thing I have learned it is this: If you condemn, you have not forgiven. If you judge, you have not loved nor do you see your very own faults. No one is better than another. All sin is equal. If we have not love how can we begin to know Christ or even call one a Christian. I do not call myself a Christian to this day because that would mean I am Christ-like, but I am not even close. I profess to follow the God of love. I know if I focus on loving others that I will accept others and that is exactly what Jesus did, accepted others.

So, my view may not be traditional, but it is what I have learned on my own path. I am not a regular church attender and I do not pray on my knees for hours like I used to. I still hold the words of the Bible close to my heart; I just live them out a little differently.

What No Woman Told Me

There are many things I never knew about being a mother. All the mom's I spoke to before I got pregnant raved about how amazing it is, which is it, but no one tells you what really takes place during pregnancy and how your life will forever change. The change is so dramatic it definitely took me a while to get used to. It was almost like my life before Leia was born had died and will never be the same. I wasn't one of those girls who always wanted to have babies. I was going to let nature take her course. It will happen when the time is best. I guess the time was best a few months after I married my husband.

I saw in movies that woman got morning sickness during pregnancy, but I never realized how bad it was until I had it. I could barely keep anything down the first three months of pregnancy.  Every health fanatic tells you to eat healthy, but that didn't work. I even tried protein shakes, but then I would puke them up. My body wanted nothing to do with anything healthy during that time. The smell of meat made me want to vomit. The only thing I could keep down was Buffalo Chicken Strips from Burger King. I have lost count of how many times my husband made Burger King runs. I wouldn't just throw up in the mornings either. It could last until the evening. Once my bladder started getting squished it became a big problem. I started peeing at the same time as I was puking! I developed a strategy when I would run to the bathroom. I would puke in the toilet and put a towel down on the floor in case I peed. One time during my pregnancy I got a cold and started coughing, puking AND peeing at the same time! Let me tell you, being sick while pregnant is horrible. You can't take anything really if you try to be a naturalist like me. I disowned anyone who was sick because I couldn't get sick again.

Even though I lost a few pounds my first trimester, I gained my weight back times three! I couldn't stop gaining! I was a fat building machine and ate everything in sight. Food was euphoric. I tried walking often, but the weight just piled on. This was hard for me to accept because I have never weighed more than 135 lbs. I was 5'8, fit and thin, always had been. In my young child years I actually had problems gaining weight. No matter how much I ate, it seemed to go right through my feet. I would even get made fun of I was so skinny, being called Ethiopian chick. People would even ask if I had an eating disorder. Well, I leveled out when I got older, but I was still thin. It hit my self-esteem pretty hard because for once in my life, I couldn't control my weight. I continued to grow.

No one told me my hormones would start controlling my life. They literally have a mind of their own and I was their slave. I was a hormonal emotional mess my entire pregnancy.  I was a very anxious over sensitive pregnant woman. I was annoyed and offended by everything and everyone, which made me very hard to live with. My poor husband. He deserves a medal for enduring with me. My pregnancy was also the least social I have ever been. I really couldn't deal with people. I became a mama bear and wanted no one in my territory.

I will brag about sex during pregnancy though. I would read articles about women who didn't have sex during pregnancy and they really missed out. You can't get pregnant anymore so it's like a free ride! Woo hoo! And the increased hormones make it amazing. I feel bad for our neighbors though because I'm sure they saw our RV rocking quite a bit. We had to take advantage of this window of time before the baby came.

My husband was amazing while I was pregnant. Every pregnant woman should have a man like him in their lives. He treated me like a queen. I basically ate what ever I wanted whenever I wanted. Because I couldn't do much or drink, I made up for it in delicious foods and sweets. I can't tell you how many times I had McDonalds. Yes, I'm sure you are saying gross in your mind, but it stayed down and tasted amazing. I needed my sausage McMuffin and iced coffee frequently. I would get so hungry I would actually have stomach pain. I felt so bad when we were living with my grandma because I pretty much ate her entire kitchen. The funnest part was that my husband would eat junk food with me.

No one ever told me how you basically can't do anything while pregnant. You become so heavy that walking to any destination is a chore. My husband has tons of energy, so I still needed to go with him on his adventures some how. He picked that summer to be the summer he learned how to surf. We had our RV in Oceanside all summer. The beach was less than a mile away. He would surf and I would get a coffee and watch him surf. I tried to go in the water but the waves nearing made my knees collapse under me.

We were always trying to think of things to do because we couldn't do the same things anymore. We used to party quite a lot. We loved going out. When I had first gotten pregnant we had just sold our first sailboat. A few weeks before I found out I was pregnant we sailed ourselves to Catalina. We had to come up with new activities to do now. My husband got this idea to buy an inflatable kayak and go kayaking in San Diego. Sure, it sounded fun. We get it all blown up and head out to sea. I didn't think I would get that wet so I wore regular clothing. We headed out but there were many waves. My husband tried pulling us out but I was getting soaked. We finally made it out and headed further out where we saw cliffs. Pretty soon I got the urge to pee, like I always did all the time. I was so uncomfortable the rest of the time that I couldn't even enjoy all the sea life we were around. We finally decided to head back. We noticed there were a lot of waves, so my husband wanted to wait until they calmed down. Well, I'm an idiot and impatient, so I told him we could ride a wave in. NEVER DO THIS, ESPECIALLY WHEN PREGNANT! We caught a wave alright. It grabbed us, lifted my husband up, flipped us and he landed on my head. He was stuck on me, so he couldn't get off until I moved. We were racing to get out of the water. I was cold, soaked and crying. We took the kayak back and returned it. There are some activities pregnant woman can do. We went on a paddle boat in a marina. When I would get tired my husband would continue on. We also went to the movies a lot where I gorged myself on soda and popcorn. Every time I would get out of the theater my feet swelled up to the size of elephant's feet. 

With all that comes a long with pregnancy it's still wonderful. I feel that any one who doesn't want to have kids is truly missing out on a once in a lifetime experience. It's a transformation of body and mind. You learn to trust your body and see what it can really do. The whole pregnancy I was afraid to give birth. But when the time comes you overcome all fear and embrace it. If I can do it, any woman can. You might even miss being pregnant once the baby comes because life is never the same. You can't stay up all night because you have already lost weeks of sleep. You don't get drunk because you are in charge of another life. You don't come and go as you please because someone else comes first. You might not even get to shower much at all. The chores around the house are pushed out another week and your time is spent appeasing your little one.

Feedings are around the clock and being an entertainer by the hour. My life is completely new. I feel like I have finally transformed into a woman I am proud of. I pushed my baby girl out of me! She is my treasure as all babies should be. There is much sacrifice being a mother, but the reward is overflowing. I love waking up every morning to my baby girl talking to herself as she looks up and smiles at me. I love breastfeeding her and knowing my body nurtures hers. There is a raw truth to pregnancy, but no woman remembers because of the joy that comes.

An Unlikely Pair: A Love Story

Ever since I was a young girl, my dream was to find a husband.

I was technically in another relationship at the time. We had been dating for two years and I lived with his family. I'll tell you later why I do not recommend that. I say technically because I did have "the breakup" talk with him, but I was still living there. I hadn't made it official. He knew how I felt towards him and I think he was starting to realize our ending was becoming real. The only reason I didn't move out right away was because I had no place to go and needed to find a place I could afford, which wasn't much at the time. It was the weekend before Halloween and we had plans to meet up with some friends down town. We didn't realize we needed a costume until the last minute, so we got a few things from CVS. I wore a tiny witch hat with red lipstick and called myself The Modern Day Witch. He found a rockstar wig.

We met up with our friend in downtown Temecula. He brought some friends of his own that I didn't know. One of them was dressed as Johnny Depp's Captain Jack Sparrow. It was a pretty cool costume, very well done, but I was never one of those girls to be tripping over Johnny Depp..haha. The drinks started kicking in as I started drinking from his and asked about his tattoos. Very cliche. We went to the next place and we were all having a great time. The man I was with was sitting the whole time, but I wanted to dance so I was on the dance floor. Earlier that night I thought Johnny Depp was dating one of the girls there, but when her boyfriend showed up I made a joke and said to him, "I thought you were with her." He then said, " No, You are the cutest thing I have ever seen!" I was embarrassed and didn't know what to say. We basically ran off from eachother at that point. Everyone had a great time that night. I even jumped on the hood of a car! It wasn't moving, don't worry. At the end of the night he told me to find him on Facebook. Once again, not very original. The next day I befriended everyone I hung out with that night. It took forever to find Johnny Depp, especially since I wasn't sure what his real name was or even what he looked like. He was wearing a wig and makeup. I eventually did find him and started chatting. I told him we could only be friends right now because I was currently trying to get out of a relationship, but had no place to stay yet. He respected that, which made me very impressed. We decided to hang out on Halloween and pass out candy.

On Halloween I went to hang out with him, but I was super nervous so I wasn't acting myself. I found out he was 37 years old and was shocked! He looked my age, which was 23 at the time. He brought out Adult Chocolate milk for me to drink. He read somewhere that I loved it! Our first hang out ended and I was filled with guilt. I was living with a man and his family, but I was starting to like someone new. Just the desire alone made me feel like I was cheating. I went home that night and crawled into bed with the man I was still technically with.

I finally found out who Johnny Depp was, but for the sake of identity I will continue to refer to him as that. I hung out with Johnny Depp again. I kept telling myself I need to find a place to live, I need to find a place to live. I knew my heart was far from the relationship I was in. The next night Johnny Depp and I hung out was amazing! I knew I was falling hard for him and WAY too fast, but I couldn't control it! We listened to music and danced in his living room. We would get closer and closer to eachother, sending my heart pounding in an uproar. I was trying to act as though I felt nothing, but he pursued my gaze. He brought me close. I was mentally trying to resist but my heart was reaching out! I gave in as he kissed me. Basically, I said "screw it" in my head. You only live once and I'm not letting this moment pass! That was by the far the most powerful kiss I have ever had. I'm pretty sure I saw fireworks that night. When he was done he said to me,"Do you want to get married and have a thousand kids?" Even if he was joking I still said yes. I knew I wanted to be with him. That night when I left I called the man I was still in a relationship with and told him even if I was living there it was over and that I would move out as soon as I could. I moved out the very next day to stay with Johnny Depp until I found a room rental. Now, regardless of my past I do not recommend living with any man unless you are at least engaged because it makes relationships very complicated. Because I was living with my ex-boyfriend and his family, it was much more difficult to end the relationship. As I was moving my things out, his dad pulled into the driveway and saw me packing. We both teared up. I was extremely close to his parents, which is what made the break up so difficult. They were the stability I never had and took me in as there own. I will forver cherish the times I had with them.

I pulled away as I saw tears in my ex's eyes. I hate breakups, even if I'm the one doing the breakup. I took everything that wouldn't fit in my car to the Salvation Army. I could only keep the essentials because all my things were going to stay in there until I found a more permanent place. Johnny and I continued to see eachother. We kept our relationship a secret and waited for time to pass. As time passed Johnny had many doubts about us and tried pushing me away many times. I eventually found a room to rent, so I would no longer occupy his space. I started getting tired of his wishy washy mindset about me and vowed to never speak to him again. That lasted three days and is the longest amount of time we have spent apart. I couldn't get this guy out of my head. It was ridiculous. I even prayed for him to leave my thoughts. I finally gave in and contacted him again. We started seeing eachother all the time again. He still had his doubts though. He would only let me so close. He planned a trip to visit his father and before he left ended things with me yet again.

The next morning after the breakup I realized I forgot my hair straightener at his place. I needed to get it back. He shouldv'e been gone so I went over to pick it up, but he hadn't left yet...awkward. I told him to throw away anything else he found of mine and left to work. I needed to make a quick stop first for food though. I got my delicious buffalo chicken tenders and was eating them as I drove. I was also talking on the phone. I bet you can see where this is going. I lost control and hit the center divider! The minute I was able to pull over I broke down in tears, but I wasn't crying because of the accident. All my tears were the tears I didn't cry after every breakup and having to find places to live and feeling alone. The only person I knew close enough was Johnny Depp. He knew cars too, so even though he just broke up with me, I called him. I didn't know what to do or if my car was ok. He came to meet me as it started to rain.

The minute he arrived I started crying again and he ran into my arms, calling me "Sweetface", which was his nickname for me. He said my car was damaged, but drivable...yay! We sat in the car and talked about us. He finally told me why he had been pushing me away. He was afraid to get close to me. We kissed and it was like nothing happened. I believe to this day that if it were not for that accident, that we might not be together. He went on his trip to see his father and we continued to keep in touch. From that day forward he never broke things off again, but he didn't gain complete confidence in us for some more months. He had many walls up that I had to break down one at a time.

We did many things together, including camping trips. On the most memorable one was when he caught our mattress on fire and it deflated. No biggy. The next night he set our entire tent on fire and we had to sleep in the truck. He loves blowing things up but he took it to another level. He put a five gallon gas can on the fire! It blew up sideways and demolished our tent and everything in it! No biggy. Later, when everyone went on a night ride, we stayed back. He took me on his quad for a little ride and brought two beers. He stopped, got off the quad and knelt down on the ground in the dirt, asking for my hand in marriage. I couldn't believe it! I didn't believe it! It had been less then five months. I kept asking if he was serious and he was. I never even answered because I thought he might be joking. He eventually reminded me that I didn't answer. I said yes of course. The rest of the night we pretty much ignored the other campers because we were so excited we were going to be together forever.

The rest is history from there. Within a year of our marriage I became pregnant with Leia. Everyday we build upon our adventures together. I would like to say it's my happily ever after. That doesn't mean it's perfect; it means my dream came true. Sometimes we have unbelievably hard times and fight just like everyone else, but in the end we forgive eachother and continue on. I really believe the key to having a long marriage is to follow these simple words:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

If only I could be perfect in this, I could love perfectly. I will always strive to follow these words, even if I mess up. Marriage is a journey, not a destination. There is never an end to a love story, so I will not conclude mine. 

Funny Links:

My husband blows things up! Click here to see!

How We Live Rent Free...Sometimes

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  RV Tour Hosted by Gypsy Girl & Leia

My husband and I try to spend the least amount of money possible on living. We would much rather be able to do things together and pay off bills, so sometimes we live for free. At first when my husband suggested it I thought he was crazy, but that is only because I didn't know how it would work. We recently stayed for almost two weeks in the desert for free. When we start our trip we fill up our holding tank (water) and empty our sewer tank. It takes about 4-5 days for our holding tank to fill back up again. When this happens we simply go to a "Dump Station". There we can refill on water and empty our sewer. Sometimes it costs a small fee, but most of the time we can find it for free. That means free water! We also have been able to get free electricity by installing solar panels. This allows us to charge our phones and computers. We can use the lights and television as well. Sometimes we start our generator so that we can use the microwave oven and Keurig for coffee. The generator also charges our batteries while its on. Now that we only run the generator for a few minutes, it only uses a small amount of gas. When we are dry camping I don't take a shower everyday because it fills up the tank quicker. I use an electric shaver, so that I do not waste water in the shower. We are even able to enjoy TV shows and movies that my husband downloads from his computer. We have everything we need in the RV. If we run out of food we just go to the store. Naturally, we would live for free more often if the conditions were right. I could only handle the desert for so long because I couldn't really take Leia on walks because it was so rocky. She needs her walks because many times that is the only way she will nap. We also took someone's advice and stayed at a truck stop one time. That was a huge mistake. Definitely not worth the money saved. Every time a truck pulled up it would wake Leia up in horror, so at 3am we got out of there. Another time we stayed at a Harbor Freight parking lot. Mostly because there was a laundry mat there where I could wash our clothes. I usually go to a laundry mat to wash our clothes once a week if we are dry camping. If its not illegal to camp somewhere, then you can usually park there.  If you can limit luxuries and give a few small things up, you can easily live for free.

How I Lost My Mom & How I Got Her Back

My mother and I were separated for six years during the most crucial times of my development, between the ages of nine to fifteen. Before I can tell you how we reunited, you need a little background information to understand. My parent's divorced when I was around the age of five when we were living in Big Bear. My brother and I visited my mom every other weekend and on the holidays. As I got older my father found a new wife. At first we thought she was great! She bought us things we needed. She was really nice in the beginning. But once she married my dad, her true colors started to show. My dad worked hard at his job and he was a wonderful provider. He expected his wife to do raise us while he was working, so she gained all control.

The first time I was punished by her was the first time I lied to her. My punishment to was fill up a notebook of one sentence: "I will not lie to ....lets call her Poison." She hated being lied to and as a very young child I was  huge liar. Some how I thought I could get away with it, but I

got caught every dang time. Because she was with us all the time and we knew her from a very low age, we started calling her "mom". This should've never happened. I had a mother that loved me very much. She started causing my brother and I to feel guilty for wanting to see our mother. When I was about to turn ten years old, my dad took us to meet our mom so we could visit her for a while. We went to the meeting spot and waited and waited and waited, but no one came. My dad took us back home. That day I thought my mom forgot about us, so we were going to forget about her because as Poison would say, she didn't really care about us. I didn't find out until years later that my mother was actually in the hospital! No one ever told my brother or I. Poison would give us so much grief for even talking to her after that, so to have peace in our house, we pushed our own mother away. It was too stressful as children to be in the middle of a battle between parents, so we succumbed to the easy option. That day we quit seeing my mom for six years.

 During this time I became increasingly unhappy. School was my sanctuary away from the house I lived in. Every thing I did I would get punished for from eating the wrong cereal to sleeping too long. You name it, there was a rule for it. I continued to lie, cheat and steal and would get caught every time. My dad and stepmom (Poison) had to step up their punishments they thought. They didn't think a good dose of love would work. Actually they thought by punishing me that they loved me. In the fourth grade they started cutting my hair off as a punishment. They first time my dad grabbed regular scissors and started chopping of one side of my hair. He left one side long. Before I went to school I tried to make it look like a side pony tail and sprayed my hair over. As soon as Poison saw it she said my dad wouldn't let me style it. Who knows if my dad actually said that. Before Poison, my dad and I were really close. Our favorite movie was 'A Little Princess' and I was his little princess.

Over the years I got more haircuts for lying. When I was fifteen I couldn't take it anymore. I became very depressed and saw no use for living. Something had to change because I couldn't live like this. I had gotten into trouble yet again for talking on the phone and I wasn't allowed to use the phone. Poison said, "I think it's time to talk to your dad about another haircut".

 I snapped in that minute. I ran up stairs to my room, threw some things in my backpack, gave my step-sister a hug and kiss and told my younger brother to watch her. I ran out of the door that day and never went back. As I ran, Poison chased me in her car, but when she got to the end of the road she yelled out the window, "We are done!" I think that was the last time I saw her.

I kept running, full of adrenaline. I ended up at the police station. I told the officer that I was being abused. But I told him something else that too this day I am extremely ashamed of. When I was a young teen, Poison convinced me that my father was inappropriate with me. She would say things like, "Did you see the way your father was looking at you?" She would get upset any time my father and I spent time together, even if it was just playing basketball together. It got to the point where I wouldn't let my dad touch me or near me because I believed her. One time she was gone for a few days and I slept in the room next to theirs. She gave me such a hard time when she got back, saying "Why were you sleeping in the room next to your father? Do you want him?" This whole thing just sickens me because now when I look back, my dad never did anything wrong. He treated me like his daughter, but when Poison came in the picture she made his affection for me perverted. So when I was speaking to the officer I told him these things. He was called down to the station and questioned. I was taken away at 4 am that morning. I found out later that a roomer was spreading in Big Bear that my dad had raped me. This was horrible. I told the lawyers and police station that this wasn't true, but it was too late. The roomers had already spread. My dad believed that I accused him of this. He was mortified.

 I was put into a foster home in Ontario. I was so afraid and instantly was mad at myself for leaving. I was in a town I didn't know, living with someone I didn't know and sleeping in a new bed. When I would wake up in the mornings I would make my bed and sit at the edge of it and cry. My foster mother would get me up and out of my room. She is an amazing woman. She showed me more love than I ever knew existed. She was a frequent church attender, so she started taking me with her. I was never a big church attender and I didn't know much about God, except that I knew he existed. I actually started enjoying going to church. I got a bible and started reading it front to back. I read chapters and chapters, books and books. I finished it in a year. I felt like I could relate to so many people who went through trying times in the bible. I also started praying. I would write out my prayers. I felt like God heard me and comforted me. I started praying about what to do. I was in a difficult situation where I could end up back with my dad. Because I had a family I really couldn't stay in foster care that long.

I was scheduled to go to court where my fate would be decided. I assumed they would give me back to my father. My social worker picked me up to take me to the hearing. She started talking to me about how she saw my mom. I hadn't seen my biological mother in years, so I thought she was mistaken and meant my stepmom, but she insisted that it was my mom. She even had a letter from her. As I read it, I was filled with hope. She knew where I was and she was trying to contact me! I didn't even know she knew I was in the system! I was so nervous that day at court. We walked in and found a seat to start waiting. I was looking around the room and spotted a woman with an older man. There was something about her. She looked familiar. I really recognized her cheek bones. I turned to my social worker and said, "I think that's my mom...my real one." She yelled out, "Paula!" My mom looked at me...it took a minute and then she immediately got up hysterically crying and hugging me. I started crying as well. I couldn't believe this was her and she loved me so much! She wanted to help me! I knew at the moment that my prayers were answered. This was the door God opened. He made a way where I saw no way. I went to the restroom and thanked God for this! I knew this was the path to stick to. I went to my lawyer and told him that I refused to go back with my father and that I found my mother and was going with her. It wasn't that easy, but at least I didn't go back to my dad.

 I had to be transferred to another foster home. This one was much worse. The mother and father were mean and controlled my every move. My mom would call me and they wouldn't let me speak to her. They let the other children visit their family for thanksgiving , but not me. That thanksgiving I sat at the dinner table and ate alone. I became very depressed there as well. Even attempted to cut myself, but the minute I did God convicted me. I was never to do that again and I never did. They would tell me I was never going to end up with my mom, but they didn't know that I never give up. By Christmas time I was released from fostercare and sent to stay with my grandma while my parents decided who I would live with. I eventually met with my dad and he asked me flat out where I wanted to live. This was so hard to answer because I had always been with him and loved him very much, but I couldn't live that way any longer. I was being crushed emotionally. I chose my mom. He surprisingly let me go. My father and I have had a trying relationship for years now, but I always love him just as much. I know who he really is and the dad he can be. But as long as Poison was there, she would always be first. Over the years my father has started talking to me more now. He even met his new granddaughter.

I finished high school with my mom. The many years we were separated doesn't phase us. We are closer now more than ever. I could even call us best friends. I don't regret any of the things in my past, except for rejecting my mom when I was nine. But everything happened for a reason and my mom used that time to quit drinking alcohol. She has now been sober for over 15 years! I am so proud of you, Mom! I am thankful for everything that happened in my past because it led me to where I am today: my family.

Thank you for reading! Feel free to share anything or comment in the section below.

The Labor and Delivery of Leia Jasmine Part 2

The morning after I delivered I was discharged and we headed over to Loma Linda Hospital as quickly as we could. We were finally going to see Leia after our first night without her. All I could think about was how much she was going though and that my husband and I weren't there to comfort her. The night before when she was transported she had the saddest look on her face when they were taking her away. They gave us a teddy bear as a trade. That didn't help of course. Everything was out of our control. We were filled with worry as to what was happening with her and that we had no place to stay in that town. We got lucky though. A friend offered up his place for us to stay until Leia was discharged. We couldn't be more grateful. I was still in great pain after giving birth. It was difficult walking around the hospital and painful to sit. We finally found her in the NICU. She was so content and slept a lot. I really thought when I brought her home she was going to sleep a lot too. I ended up being VERY wrong. We had to visit Leia within their open hours. Every time I saw her I breastfed her. I needed to keep my supply growing. I was very upset that they started her on formula every three hours. I wanted to do only breastfeeding from the beginning, but I understand life doesn't always go as planned. In order to give her as much breast milk as possible I had to pump at the hospital every couple hours because I didn't have my pump with me. That was one of my biggest mistakes. I didn't plan on having any issues with breastfeeding. I assumed she would always be with me and that I could just latch her on. Always bring your breast pump in your hospital bag! I would bring my pumped milk, which was less than an ounce, to the nurse and she would feed her that first and then finish with formula. They would also record how much she would drink and try to force her to drink a specific amount. I didn't like this at all because when breastfeeding your baby, she can drink as much as she wants based on her needs. Newborn's stomachs are extremely small and don't need as much formula as they were trying to force her to drink. One nurse tried to get the doctor to keep Leia longer because she wasn't drinking the amount they wanted! Thankfully the doctor wasn't worried.

 I was a very frustrated mom. I hated seeing other people doing my job as a mother. I wanted to take care of her and feed her. I felt like I had to ask permission to hold her because she was hooked up to so many tubes! They were constantly running tests on her to make sure she was okay. She was breathing on her own the entire time she was in NICU. She had high white blood cell count so they flooded her system with antibiotics. The night she was born the doctor at the hospital she was born at tried to tell us she had pneumonia. That's ridiculous because she was just born. She never ended up having that or anything else they tested her for. She has been completely healthy. Those doctors sure know how to scare you though. I kept asking the doctor in the NICU when Leia could come home. Every time I would walk in and see a nurse feeding and cuddling my baby I got upset. I think after I gave birth I transformed into some crazy hormonal mother grizzly bear. Saturday night we had to leave her again and come back in the morning. As exhausted as I was, it was incredibly difficult to sleep without her. I felt like a part of me was missing and in pain. There was no way I could be content until she was with me. On Sunday we went back, did my pumping and spent time with Leia. In order for us to be discharged we had to watch parenting videos. I couldn't believe all the road blocks keeping our child from being with us. The doctor finally said she could be discharged because they found nothing wrong and her white blood cell count was going down. We were so relieved that we would be able to take her home that day. When the time came we dressed her in an outfit that happened to be too large for her. I'm a first time mom and had no idea what to expect. We put her in her carseat and headed out the hospital doors. We couldn't believe we were taking her home! She was all ours finally! We had made it through the hardest days of our lives and we are so thankful Leia is healthy.

Scary/Funny Things That Happened to Me in an Old RV

When living in a 1985 motor home there are many interesting things that happen. For example, when we went camping in the Ocotillo Wells desert there were extreme winds all day and all night. At night I would wake up startled and afraid thinking the RV was going to tip over. The whole place was bouncing! It almost felt like you were sailing on the ocean in the middle of a storm. Another thing about living in an RV is every time you move you have to make sure EVERYTHING is tied down and secure. Sometimes my husband forgets and somehow I end up almost getting into accidents following him with our baby in our Jetta sportwagen. One time a surfboard flew off the top of the RV. I swerved out of the way, did a U turn and stuffed it in the wagon. In the process, I lost my husband because he was oblivious to the whole thing. Another time our BBQ flew off the top and I had to swerve again to not hit it! I couldn't save the BBQ that time because we were on the freeway. It was a cheap one anyhow. 

 Before my husband put in solar panels we had to conserve our electricity when we were dry camping, which has been a lot lately. Sometimes at night we would just sit in the dark with a candle on and play music from our phones. Talk about getting rid of distractions. When you are dry camping you have to use your generator to use things like the microwave and Keurig. Well, I went out to turn it on to make some coffee and the damn thing backfired on me! Scared the shit out of me! My husband knew exactly what happened and was cracking up hysterically. I was so upset for him laughing because I had been scared shitless.

 Another thing about living in an RV is that it's basically one big room. I can hear what everyone is doing and feel when they move, so can Leia. When Leia finally falls asleep we creep around the RV hoping to not wake her. That means I don't do anything that requires loud noises or opening squeaky doors. I don't even throw things away because she always gets startled when I open the trash compactor. We are left with empty water bottles on the counter. When me or my husband accidentally knocks them over its like dominoes. If my husband makes loud noises I'll give him the evil eye. Putting Leia to sleep is no small task. We also share a bedroom with her, which is fine for us. We don't mind. She has her own bed, but lately she's been waking up so often she sleeps with me after she's done feeding. All her clothes and items are also organized in the room. I stuff all of my clothes in a hallway closet. When I go to it I usually dig for my next outfit. My husband's clothes are actually stored in a pantry. Some people might think that's crazy and not enough space, but we are used to it and it really works for us. It was definitely something that took time to adjust to, but we like how much money we save in an RV, so we make anything work.

 You might be wondering how my husband and I are able to keep an intimate relationship in such tight quarters with our baby. When she is sleeping in the room we just hang out in the living room where our pull out couch is. Sounds comfortable, not so much. It basically jabs your back with metal bars, but we make that work too. 

Old RVs are special. They are cheap, but something is always breaking. My husband has spent hours replacing many items like our heater, hot water heater, refrigerator, replacing the toilet, trash compactor and removing the microwave multiple times because another fuse blew. At one time we didn't have hot water for months. Ever try washing oily dishes with cold water? It's not easy and usually still leaves the dishes dirty. But all those things don't bother us. We get through and fix the next broken item. 

There is one negative thing about having an old RV. The cops hate you. When we entered Julian a cop pulled me over and asked why I am bringing a big Behemoth up to his town and "ruining" his roads. There have been worse times though, the scariest of all. We parked our RV on a street where other RVs were in Oceanside. Our park we were supposed to go back to had no reservations available so we needed to find a place to stay that night. This was our only option. We thought we would be fine because it was just one night. We kept all the lights off at night and hoped no one would bother us. Around 12 am that night I awoke to one officer pounding on the window next to our bed. I thought it was going to break. Another officer was pulled in front of our RV shining his bright lights through all the way back to our bedroom and another was pounding on our door.The lights were so bright, my husband thought it was daytime! Leia awoke crying hysterically. I tried to tell my husband what was going on but he was kind of out of it because he was sleepy. I grabbed Leia and went to the door. The officer asked me why we were there, blah, blah, blah. He also wondered why we parked there next to the "No Camping" sign. Oops. To make the story short he let us off the hook. Let's just say we are never doing that again. All in all it's fun and we always have an adventure! Stay tuned for more scary and funny things that happen in an old RV.

The Labor and Delivery of Leia Jasmine Davison Part 1

On July 2nd, 2014, I went to my 39 week appointment to check on Leia and hoping I was dilated more. I wasn't. Nothing had changed since the week before and I felt the disappoint. I was being impatient as any new mom would be to meet the love of her life. One of my goals for my first pregnancy was to not be induced. After that 39 week appointment I started trying to go into labor naturally. I thought if I start now then by next week she will be ready. Little did I know what was to come. That same day my husband and I took a VERY long walk on the  beach. Earlier that day I also used my breast pump, but the moment I saw milk coming out I stopped and kind of freaked out. After our walk that day my back started hurting really bad. I didn't do the dishes or cook. My husband gave me a great massage but nothing was helping this pain. I had been having Braxton-Hicks contractions, so I decided until I was in great pain to stay put. I didn't want to go 30 minutes away to our hospital and be turned away. So I tried sleeping that night, but kept waking up in pain until two in the morning when the contractions became very strong...about three minutes apart. I saw blood and couldn't leave the toilet because I started have diarrhea. I was yelling at my husband that I think I waited too long. My husband, calm as ever, jumps out of bed, throws some clothes on and throws everything in the car. I knew I had to get in the car but I was really worried about bathroom issues so I brought toilet paper and a bag...just in case...haha. Thankfully I didn't need them. I was in immense pain. There are no words that can explain contractions. I had underestimated them thinking I could overcome the pain with mere thoughts. What a laugh! I look back and I was so naive. I was screaming in pain the whole drive as my husband drove 90 miles per hour to the hospital (I'm not exaggerating). When we got there I could barely walk. I had to keep stopping when I would have a contraction. Finally they had a nurse asses me. At the time I was 100% thinned out and only 2-3 centimeters dilated. I had to wait an hour to see if I was dilating more in order for them to admit me. I had all these ideas during my pregnancy of the different positions I would use for pain management. I couldn't do any of them! I would have a contraction every time I moved so I didn't want to move. I thought I was going to deliver in squatting position....that was a hoot. I stayed flat on my back the whole time! That felt good to me! It makes me laugh now. I was admitted the next hour at 4 centimeters. Suddenly everything started moving so fast. I was taken to my room and my water broke when I was in the restroom. I was shocked with what came out of me! Every time I moved more would gush out. I went and sat in my bed hoping the anesthesiologist would arrive soon. I actually wasn't planning on getting an epidural. Ya.... that went out the window when I started feeling unbearable pain. I am really glad I did get it. I was able to enjoy my labor. I was cracking jokes I was so giddy. My mother finally arrived. I was only going to have my husband and mother in the delivery room. Things progressed very quickly. By 1:00 pm I was fully dilated....only 11 hours after I left the house. I felt Leia pushing down more and more through the birth canal. I was ready to push this little lady out. The nurse had me do two pushes, but suddenly had me stop because she was going to come out and the doctor wasn't there yet. I had to stop pushing during the contractions until the doctor came, which I feel was very unnatural. She was ready. The doctor arrived and prepped for delivery. My mom was on one side holding my leg and my husband was on the other. By this time the epidural started wearing off and I felt when I needed to push. I was surprised how naturally everything came to me. It was like I was made to do this. This was me getting ready to do what my body was made to do. It was time to start pushing again. I really wish my husband video taped it because I was super curious about what was going on down there. It took about twenty minutes for her to arrive. The craziest part for me was when I did my last push and the doctor pulled her out. It felt unreal. Right when they pulled her out I was being impatient for them to give her to me. They placed her on my chest and I was surprised that she wasn't crying much. One, because that's what you see in the movies, two, because she's a big cry baby now. I only got  few minutes with her until the nurses and doctor took her away. I couldn't see what was going on and I was asking my husband 100 questions about what they were doing. I wanted my hour of skin-on-skin time! He said they wanted to monitor her. Why did they want to monitor her?! Supposedly the doctor was worried because she didn't cry much when she was born so they put her on oxygen and were keeping an eye on her oxygenation levels. So the day that was supposed to be the happiest of my life turned to non-stop worrying. I never got my hour of skin-on-skin with her like the hospital promises. When I finally got her back I only had her for about 20 minutes. Just enough time to breastfeed her for the very first time, which was amazing! It was so amazing seeing this beautiful creature just know how to eat from me. It truly is one of the best feelings in the world. It was painful at first, but I eventually got past it and now it feels good because it releases oxytocin. After our 20 minutes together they took her to another room to hook her up to their machines. This was unbelievably heartbreaking to watch my newborn go through. They couldn't find her veins and were causing her to bleed putting needles in. Anytime we wanted to be with her we had to visit her. I envied the parents who I heard in the next room over with their baby with them. So my husband and I would go back and forth constantly. I didn't want to have any visitors. She was hooked up to so many tubes it was hard to hold her without tangling her. On one occasion my husband left the room where we were visiting her. I felt something wrong. My husband is a very strong man and not very sensitive, but that day I saw a side to him I never knew. I went to find him in our room and found him broke down in a chair crying. After talking to him I realized with everything that was going on he hadn't had a moment with Leia. I took him back to her and had him take off his shirt so they could have skin-on-skin bonding. For the rest of the night we went back and forth to visit her and to have her eat. Her oxygenation levels were not where they wanted them, so they told us they would need to transfer her to their main hospital where they had a NICU. One of the things that pisses me off the most was that when the transporters arrived, they monitored her and said she was breathing on her own and her oxygenation levels were fine, but that they still had to monitor her for 48 hours!!!! The worst part...I couldn't go. They wouldn't discharge me until the morning. I was also planning on breastfeeding but how was I supposed to without her?! I started pumping every couple hours and saved the milk to give to her manually. The NICU was going to start giving her formula. All my plans felt like they were crumbling. That was the hardest day of mine and my husband's life. We didn't know what was going to happen or what to expect. That was my first night without Leia in nine months. I woke up that morning to breakfast that was brought in. Right when I started to eat I instantly felt her presence missing and uncontrollably started crying. I was released soon and we headed to the main hospital. We were running around everywhere and I was still in pain from pushing a baby out the day before! One of the things I was looking forward to after Leia was born was the chocolate covered strawberries and champagne the hospital promised to celebrate her birth. That day we didn't celebrate because the doctors caused us to think our newborn's life was in danger. We couldn't wait to see Leia again...