Though I have faced many of my fears, there are still some that have a hold on me. In an earlier blog I speak about the relationship I have with my father. Because of my childhood experiences and his hot head, I still fear him. Even though this is completely irrational, it doesn't take away my fear. He is just too unpredictable and I see him to be capable of just about anything. There were times during arguments with Poison that he would let his anger consume him. One time he started an electric saw and was about to saw the Corvette. He has started many physical altercations with family members, including his own brother-in-law, and strangers. By strangers, I mean one night after drinking he jumped in to the ocean and chased a guy in a kayak. So that is why I am afraid to be around him sometimes.
The other day he came down to visit us. He has been real sweet with Leia. I am always nervous the whole time I am with him though. It doesn't even feel natural. I walk on egg shells. I wonder what it is like to actually have fun with your dad and not worry something bad is going to happen. You would've thought after all these years, I would've outgrown this. I always am afraid he is going to be rude to my husband or start an altercation with him. I am even afraid for him to find my blog because he might become angry and threaten me or something. I guess my childhood with him scarred me. My father still thinks he is the boss of me and no one succeeds him. I think it is hard for him to see me married. Sometimes I wonder if I am so afraid of him why do I pursue a relationship with him? I don't know the answer to that. What I do know is that he is my father and I continue to try to restore this bond with him. But how can I really if I fear him?
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