OCD: The REAL OCD

In our culture, mental disease is looked down upon. People make jokes about it. If you admit to some kind of mental health disorder people write you off as clinically insane. With this stigma it is difficult for those who suffer to reach out. When one is forced to deal with anxiety or overwhelming depression on their own it can be overbearing and result in cases like with Robin Williams. I have told very few people of the battle that wages war in my mind everyday. My husband is the only person to know of its true nature. The influence is great.

I struggle from the real OCD everyday. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is an anxiety disorder characterized by intrusive thoughts that produce uneasiness, apprehension, fear or worry (obsessions), repetitive behaviors aimed at reducing the associated anxiety (compulsions), or a combination of such obsessions and compulsions. Obsessions are thoughts that recur and persist despite efforts to ignore or confront them. People with OCD frequently perform tasks, or compulsions, to seek relief from obsession-related anxiety.  Some days are easier and some days are worse. The symptoms also get worse when my hormones are out of balance. This is one reason why my pregnancy was difficult for me. I had high anxiety the whole time. The intrusive thoughts that I have are things that I do not want to think, nor do I even agree with most of the time. I wish they would go away, but I feel as a slave to them. For example, when I was a child I needed to go through the entire house and check all of the locks even though I knew my parents had locked them. Then I would lay in bed and still feel like I needed to make sure they were locked again. I feel the need to check things often to feel secure in my environment. When Leia was born I couldn't sleep because I was checking her breathing all night.

I used to have to check my car over and over again to make sure the E break was on. I realized a lot of things were starting to control me so I would force myself not to give in to these compulsions. I would conquer one and unconsciously move on to another. These thoughts and compulsions are completely irrational.  But for some reason just knowing that doesn't make them go away. I have gotten better with not acting out my compulsions, but the battle is still in my mind. I just can control my behavior about it. There are many different symptoms to OCD and every sufferer has it different. No case is the same. I fear uncertainty. Well, that's a tough one considering nothing in life is certain. I have lost all of my loved ones at one time or another, so I think some of it stems from that. I wonder if my husband will really love me forever liked he promised on our wedding day. That is not certain, but I walk in faith and believe his words. It makes me a little uneasy, but I have to learn to live with that. I try to control many things around me because I think if I control it nothing bad will happen. That's a hoot! But then if something bad happens even if I have nothing to do with it, I take responsibility for it.

I just think that people should talk about what they struggle with, then maybe they wouldn't feel alone in their struggle. Maybe there would be less suicides if we knew what was really going on in each other's lives.  I have many people who love me and I have many people to love. These people accept me no matter what, regardless of the anxieties I have which sometimes affect those I am around. One of my compulsions when I become anxious is to ask tons of questions. My poor husband now understands why I do it and how to help me stop. What I have noticed is that I do a whole lot better when I don't let myself sit in bed and think about these many obsessive thoughts that won't leave me alone. Instead now, I get up and write my blog. Writing has done wonders for me and my mind. It is freeing! My anxiety has decreased a lot since I have started writing. If you or someone else you know struggles from anxiety or deep depression, I hope you reach out to them and let them know they are not alone. Everyone has their vices; this is mine.