Struggles of a New Mom

Being a mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am not complaining because my life is much better with Leia and I love her to pieces. But it doesn't change the reality of how hard it can be at times. There are no directions for a new mom. You can get loads of advice but at the end of the day, each child is different and no one thing can be approached the same. What works for another mom may not work for me and what works for me may not work for another mother. Even though there are some that swear by their own advice. No one knows your child like you do, even if they think you are going through the same thing.

All my time is focused on Leia. Sacrifices are made everyday, that is self sacrifice. I may not get a shower for a few days. House chores take me much longer. Cooking is a fiasco, even though my husband helps with her a lot when I am cooking. I still hurry because she is always griping over something and she is quite demanding. I feel like my life is ruled by a five month old. Before when I wasn't a parent it was much easier to give advice or talk about what I would do. Now that I am a mother, all that has changed. Things are not as simple as they seem. There seems to be constant obstacles as well. Always have to conquer something new. Some days I think, It would be nice to go sit in the jacuzzi right now. But I don't. I spend almost every moment with Leia. Sometimes it's exhausting, but at the same time, I want to spend my time with her.I love being with her. When I'm not, I am thinking about her and how she is doing.

She has never been the type of baby that sleeps anywhere or naps for a few hours. She constantly has me on my toes. If I set her down she throws a fit. It used to take me hours to get her to sleep at night, but thankfully the process is much quicker now. She will only take a nap if she is in her stroller or carrier or something requiring physical energy. Hopefully all this will help me burn my baby weight off. I lost 25 lbs really fast but now it seems like my body is holding onto the rest for breastfeeding. I have been so torn with breastfeeding as well. It's a wonderful thing and I love it, but only I can feed her right now. Sometimes I would like a little more freedom to maybe hang out with some girl friends or really just to do things without rushing thinking she's going to demand my boob soon. I don't know how long I want to breastfeed for and frankly I think Leia will tell me when she's had enough. I am trying to start pumping so she can take bottle but I am unsure how I want to go about it. I feed her from me often so when I pump it isn't that much and lately when I try, she's been wasting a bunch of milk, which I don't like either. That's why it seems easier just to keep her on the boob. I think about not breastfeeding and realize how I will miss these precious times with her and I am torn. I am torn by own desire for freedom and the great love I have to give her everything. So, I give her all of me. Then I still need to make sure there is some left over for my husband. I still need to nurture him as my husband. Now after having a child, it is very difficult to even find the time for sex. Before we always had a healthy sex life, but now I have to make it happen. It still doesn't even feel normal yet! I swear my doctor sewed me up WAY too tight. Who needs to be that tight any how?! But I make it work because my husband and I deserve to continue to flourish together. Plus, I take it on as a wife's duty. It is very important to me to keep my husband happy. Sometimes I feel drained, but to me, giving myself to my husband and baby is very fulfilling.

For the last 2 months Leia has been waking up multiple times a night, especially after 3 am. When she wakes up for good, an hour later she is fussy and is ready for a nap. But she will only take it if we go on a walk. I have tried many times to lie her down when she is tired but all that causes is a scream of bloody murder. She also gets bored easy, so I constantly have to change things up for her. She will rarely just sit there and play with herself or toys. She even gets mad at plastic toys. I don't understand babies, especially when they are angry. Heck, half of the time I don't know what she's angry about.

They say you can't spoil a baby, but mine sure acts spoiled. All I have to do is pick her up and she stops whining. Now that she can grab things its gotten really bad. I take away what she is grabbing for and she throws another fit. She always wants my food too, even though she can't even begin to chew it. I am such a perfectionist that I know I make things harder than they have to be. I try to make her happy all the time, but she isn't so then I feel like a failure. I wonder if something is wrong or if she is hurting somewhere. I grew up insecure and felt unloved by some of my parents, so I am trying so hard to show Leia every ounce of love that I have so that she can never doubt how loved she is. But I know I am trying too hard to the point of frustration and exhaustion.

I basically have no idea what I am really doing, just a
blind woman walking. All I have is love, and from what I hear, that's all you need. I wish I could just understand her, but then again I have only had 5 months to get to know her. I don't want her to be spoiled but I want her to feel my love. There again I find my greatest need to find balance in all areas of my life. Some times it is annoying to hear other mothers talk because they act like they have everything together. But each of us deals with our own obstacles. I really think Leia is hyperactive and I might have to deal with an ADD child. Which is fine because I can keep her busy then, but right now she can't do the things I know she wants to. She can barely play with toys without getting mad at them.

I am torn as a mother. I am trying to find balance in this. Do I answer to her every cry or do I let her feel stress as a result of crying? At the same time I don't want her to feel stress as a baby. Do I pick her up or do I let her fuss while I do things I need to do? So much I am learning right now, as if I am being prepared for the hardest job in the world. But mothers only do it because their love is greater for their child than themselves. To me that is enough, even if I feel empty and drained every day. They say it gets easier, but I am sure only SOME things become easier and others become harder. So I am still trying to figure this whole mommy thing out. I love being a mother! Best job ever, hardest job ever and yet most rewarding job ever. I will continue to give her my best and hopefully I can begin to find the balance I seek.