I Wonder About Noel

Sometimes when I can't sleep I think about the many people who have come and gone from my life. Some of them I wish to forget, some I'm glad I knew and others I wonder if our paths will ever meet again. There is one I think about and wonder how she is or what she life looks like now. I will call her Noel for identity purposes.

When I lived with my dad, I had a stepsister. I met her when she was two years old. I treated her as though she was my very own sister. We had a very special and unique relationship. She has cerebral palsy. A very severe case where she will never walk or talk like the average person can. I actually helped to care for her because she was a very heavy burden for my step-mother. She wasn't potty trained in the years I knew her. She couldn't get around on her own except for scooting her bottom across the floor. She could say some words like "din din" for dinner, "more", "mama", "Ra Ra" for my brother, and "Nana" for me. She always called me "Nana". I would sleep with her at night to help her sleep, also in case she needed help. I would play with her during the day. We would play ball or I would try to teach her new words using flashcards. We listened to music together and watched movies together. I would carry her around as she became older and much larger.

She had some behaviors that backfired on me sometimes. She would throw temper tantrums. No one knew what she wanted and she couldn't express herself. I  always thought she was smart but couldn't communicate it. When she would get upset she would hit herself very hard on the head. If I needed to carry her to her room because she was acting up, she would pull out my hair. She didn't have that alarm in her brain that said "stop", so she would pull chunks out of my head. I understood why she had these issues and tried to be patient with her. I treated her more like my child or something.

When I left my dad's, I never went back. The last memory I have of her is when I hugged her before I ran away. I wonder what she thought that day or why I never came back. I wonder what she thinks happened to "Nana". I was told that they told her I am no more..."No more Nana". I can't imagine what that meant to her since we were together all the time, except for when I was at school. I know that for me it feels like she died. I have not seen her since I was 15 years old. I wonder who will take care of her when her parents become too old to manage her. I wonder what she looks like now and how she has grown. I don't think I will ever see her again, but there is a huge place in my heart that is forever hers.