My Present State

Today is yet another day that I am overwhelmed by my emotions. I do pretty good throughout the day, but by 5:00 pm I feel as though I have no more strength and energy. Throughout the day I feel weak and tired, making normal tasks difficult to complete. I do them, but I use all my energy. By the end of the day I feel physically and emotionally exhausted trying to keep up. I feel guilty because I cannot give my daughter the best of me. I am too tired to entertain her enough to occupy her. Sometimes when I feel like this I just sit and hold her or bounce her on my knee. I am not used to this lifestyle. I used to be hyper! I have been crying every night the last few nights. I have never experienced this exhaustion ever before. My thoughts are cloudy and my conversations make little sense.

Today I went out with my mother to see my younger brother before he heads off to Army Reserve training. When I looked back on the photos I took today I noticed the bulge in my throat. It's shocking to see how much it has grown in a month and that it feels like it's getting bigger everyday. I have now realized that this whole thyroid thing isn't going to just go away. It's not going to just magically disappear. I am going to have to do whatever it takes to get better and that's going to involve me being patient with the doctors. Taking the thyroid hormone doesn't fix the problem. It just helps the symptoms and gets my hormones up again. I need to find the root issue to why my thyroid basically quit on itself. This is the beginning of my journey for answers. Mentally, I am happy and grateful for the life and family I have. But sometimes I just need to let everything out in the open. To send my thoughts and emotions out into the world. I am actually surprised I am still feeling fatigued because usually patients who begin the medication notice a difference fairly quickly. But everyone is different, so it might take some more time. 

Someone must have hit the PAUSE button on my life because everything has slowed down. This has caused me to dive deeper into the meaning of life and how to live fully in the present moment. That is all we have, the present.