This One is For You, Poison

Recently Debbie, known as Poison in my earlier writings, has discovered my confessions of her. Of course she is not going to like what she saw. I am sure it is not going to make her feel good. But I didn't write for her or to her. She happens to be where a lot of my heartbreak first took place as a child and let me to you why.

The first few years she was married to my father we became very close. I loved her very much and always will because I am a lover and I did have good times with her. I enjoyed talking with her and playing with her since she was good at many things. I developed a strong need to please her. I don't know exactly where that came from. I started doing many things for her including pedis, foot massages, etc. But when I would get in trouble, no matter how small, no matter how big, I was exiled. She would refuse to talk to me and refuse my forgiveness that I would beg for everyday until I was forgiven. I never cried harder than when I was ignored and told I was not apart of the family.

A pattern started. My readers know of every treatment I received as a child so I will not go over that again. She is upset that I have spoken the truth, I presume, and it doesn't make her look good. I would be embarrassed too. God says that one day everything done in secret will come out into the light. Honestly, that's kind of scary because I know I have definitely done things in secret I am not proud of. Everyone has. But when the truth comes out we have two options: deny OR take responsibility. Do you know the character it takes for someone to stand up and say yes I did that?! I am not proud of it. I didn't realize it would hurt anyone. I am sorry. I swear If someone said that to me I would not even care about what evil they did. I would be hopping out of my shoes for joy that they finally took responsibility. That's really when the healing begins!

So Debbie, I will no longer cover up your identity since you didn't like the fake name I gave you. And since you have refused to talk to me for over ten years I guess this is how I will do it. I know you are hurting.  You need to understand we were all hurt and Dylan and I were not the adults. Our family broke and crumbled under our feet and it was broken long before I ran away. I had to leave. If I didn't you probably would've had bigger problems considering I had become depressed and suicidal. The burden I was put under was unreal. No child should have their spirit continuously crushed. Yes I did things wrong. I lied. I cheated. I stole. I did everything that would drive a parent nuts. But your punishments were not wisely chosen. You probably didn't understand the long term effects they would leave on my life. But somehow I must understand you were trying your best to be a mother to two children that were not yours (I'm trying to understand what your prospective could have been, but kind of hard without you telling me).

You did many good things as well, but for some reason the bad outweighed it because that's really all I remember now.  I would go to school and have to explain why my parents cut off my hair again. I would hear whispers behind me.."She looks like a boy!" How I was embarrassed for wearing the same clothes to school everyday and sometimes wasn't allowed to shower so my hair looked like a greasy mophead. You want me to tell the good things? I am waiting for the day when all this is put behind and EVERYONE is willing to make a step forward. If you do not learn to forgive, this part of your life will never heal and its not fair. It's not fair that Kaylee thinks I disappeared never to return. It's not fair that my father has to choose between his wife and his own children. This is not right! If you are a good woman and love my father you will allow forgiveness to take place. You will allow my father to come together with all his family members. I am open. I am so open. But if you insist on clinging to the past, I want no part. Ten years will turn to thirty and my poor father will be withered and old and will still have a broken family along with a broken heart.

 It is extremely unhealthy to still be upset over things that happened 10 years ago! I am not willing to be a part of the negativity. I cannot stress enough how unfair this is to my father that he has been made to chose one side. My father thinks the world of you and loves you very much. He loves Kaylee like his very own. He has welcomed your family. If anyone wronged him he would forgive them. Can you do the same for him? Can you show him love by allowing his heart to be full. He yearns for his family to be reunited and it is all in your hands.Don't let him miss out on his grandchild's life. Please think about the long run. What happens if something happens to my father? Will you hate me so much you cannot call and tell me?

I am sorry if you don't like my blog. That's okay. It has been the only way I was able to move on from the past. I would recommend anyone write a blog. It is very healing and is not directed at anyone. It is my story and no one is required to read it. I hope one day you are also able to move on from the past and receive healing. It's a wonderful feeling to let go, it really is. You almost feel like her spirit that's been weighed down by steel and iron can now fly!!!! What freedom forgiveness gives! What freedom truth gives! It is available for everyone. It just takes a personal choice. The love is there. It's always been there, but you have to pick it up.

Note to readers: Thank you for reading my story. If you would like to leave a comment please do so in the comment section below. If you leave them on Facebook they will get lost in Facebook.